The Mute Herald

You are a woman who, returning to her car after lunch break, drops the car keys which slide out of reach beneath another car. Do you:

1. Get down and dirty to try and retrieve them?
2. Give up and walk 10 to 15 minutes to the office in the mid-day 45 degree heat?
3. Stand helplessly and despair, until minutes later you flag down the man walking towards his car and beg him to get them for you, this man who seems to be on an altruistic streak, who then with the aid of his tennis racket always carried in the car proceeds to swipe the keys out?

What do you do?

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I was on the scene to save the day one more time. Karma may be trying to tell me something, maybe push me towards my true calling.

A roadside assistance truck operator.

Image credit Wikipedia

Today I made my first licensed purchase of alcohol in the UAE.  Nothing spectacular, just a couple of beers to remind myself what it tastes like.  Of course there was someone to (sort of) share it with me.

Don’t get me wrong.  Prior to this I wasn’t getting my fill from a shady guy selling bootleg liquor from his pickup.  Or doing what all other expats here seem to be doing: drive across the Sharia state of Sharjah to Umm al Quwain’s Barracuda outlet, where alcohol can be bought without a license. I was just relying on the occasional transit through the airport duty free.  And the last time I bought beer it was by the two-dozen – it ended up expiring and I had to throw half of it away.  That’s how much of a home beer drinker I am.

[Haraam is an Arabic term meaning forbidden]

Just finished eating a yummy tub of London Dairy (Premium) Lite Vanilla Ice Cream, and, being the curious type, I thought to myself what the hell, why not see what each of the items in the ingredients list really is.

Here goes:

Reconstituted Skimmed Milk
Powdered Milk, fine. Can’t have ice cream without milk.

Lactitol (E966)
Sugar alcohol (halal, don’t worry), replacement bulk sweetener, laxative (!)

Milk Fat
Apparently you can’t have ice cream without milk fat. Why call it “Lite” and add the fat?  Couldn’t they have stopped at the skimmed milk?

Polydextrose
Soluble fiber, frequently used to increase the non-dietary fiber content of food

Maltitol (E965)
Another sugar alcohol, also laxative (..!)

Propane 1,2-diol esters of fatty acids (E477)
It’s complicated,  but it’s derived from petroleum

Mono and diolycerides of fatty acids (E471)
Synthetic fats, similar in composition to partially digested natural fat. I’ll repeat that: partially digested natural fat.

Locust Bean Gum (E410)
Derived from the carob tree (harruba!), it is used as a sweet thickening agent. Also used in non-edible products such as pet foods, mining products, paper making, textiles, cosmetics and to enhance flavor in cigarettes.

Guar Gum (412)
Another thickener, again used in various industries apart from foodstuffs. Also a laxative (…!).

Aspartame (E951)
Famous artificial sweetener and sugar substitute. If you’re not paranoid and/or a conspiracy theorist, it’s safe as long as you don’t have phenylketonuria  If you are (paranoid, not the condition), here’s some further reading.

Acesulfame K (E950)
Calorie free artificial sweetener. The word carcinogenic was thrown around, but both the FDA and EU have approved its use. Move along.

Nature Identical Vanilla & Cream Flavours
Of course. It’s vanilla ice cream (Lite).

Disclaimer: I use Wikipedia a lot. It serves its purposes, and it always comes at the top of Google search results anyways. Credit goes to it.  The style of this post is also heavily influenced by Alexander McNabb’s informative Subway bread post.

Not as such, but I think it’s related to this letter I wrote them.

I receive a call, have an automated system tell me I’m on hold waiting to be put through (even though  they called in the first place), then they hang up.  This happened on multiple occasions.  I suspect that the telemarketing agent places the call without checking the details first, then they see that I opted not to be contacted and quickly hang up.

Slowly, we’re getting there.

Took Pebble to the vet’s today.  The appointment was for regular vaccinations, but once there I asked the vet when can we cut off his, I mean be neutered.  Doc confirmed he’s old and fit enough, so I left him there.  Which was convenient, seeing as I had forgotten my wallet at home.  The task of picking him up and paying was now delegated to the significant other.

On the way back I saw a van seemingly parked by the side of the road. Getting closer I saw that it was stuck in the roadside sand, apparently the driver was trying to avoid the bumps for the benefit of the cat inside. No telephone booth in sight, but that didn’t stop me from changing into my good deed clothes.  I snuck the SUV in front of his van, whipped out the towing ropes, and pulled him out.  Profuse thanks from man and cat washed over me.

Great right?  Of course, since I left out the part where the man asks me if I had cables, I look back confused and said no, wait there while he makes a call, doesn’t reach anyone. I offer to take him back to the vet to ask around there. once there I absent mindedly sift through the stuff in the trunk and spot a utility kit I got off an insurance giveaway, therein finding the rope and other useful stuff.

Dear Friendly Telephone Sales Agents Who Keep Calling Me Every Week

While I appreciate the attention that you bestow upon me, it would be appreciated further still if you could stop Calling Me Every Week.  I am not in need of the various credit card facilities you offer.  To explain further, this is how I use my credit card:

1   Shop or pay bills
2   Accumulate card benefits
3   Top up card in full by month end
4   Repeat

There.  As you can see I do not need any instant cash advance, slow cash advance, easy repayment scheme, difficult repayment scheme, shop-till-you-drop-pay-till-you-may or other attention grabbing promotion.

Do you see that check box, hidden at the bottom of my record, labeled “Do Not Contact”?  That one. Check it please, now.  I have already advised you, your other Friendly colleague, and the other Not So Friendly colleague before that.  I know for a fact that other people just hang up, or shout back, but I’m not like that.  I’m writing this letter instead.  I did not wish to resort to such unorthodox and drastic measures, but you leave me with no option.

Yours truly.

A man walks into a bank. I need to update my contact information. Sure fill in this form. Man fills form and leaves bank.

A man is eating lunch, and receives a call. It’s from the bank, can you come? We have a problem with your signature.

A man walks into a bank, again. Because sir the signature we have for one account is good but for the other account it doesn’t match we need both to match in order to update your contact details for this other account if you want we can update them for the first account but leave the old ones for the second account ok?

A man scratches his head.

The above account is a true story as witnessed inside Emirates NBD. I did see him scratch his head.

The issue was eventually sorted out when the supervisor assured the lady that since the accounts share the same (insert acronym here), one record can be updated and would be valid for both accounts.

Would the updated records also cover the credit cards? No sir for credit cards please go upstairs.

I recently came across an advertisement in the local papers calling for applications to the Abu Dhabi Through Your Eyes 2010 photography competition.  The first thing that sprang to mind was an article that appeared earlier this year in The National:

ABU DHABI // An amateur photographer who said he was aiming for the perfect snap for a photography competition was jailed, relieved of his passport and yesterday fined Dh1,000 (US$270) for taking prohibited pictures on Khalifa Bridge. MA, 30, a Pakistani living in Sharjah, said he was taking pictures of the sunset for the “Abu Dhabi Through Your Eyes” contest, but he was accused of photographing Mina Zayed, which includes military facilities and docked warships.

In the age of Google Earth / Maps, where the lay of the land is visible to all and sundry, it is puzzling to see such outdated security principles still being upheld.  What additional detail could the photographer have captured that is not visible in more detail in this map?:

My guess is that the authorities might be worried that the current occupancy of the base, rather than some architectural detail, would be monitored.  But anybody wanting to do that would be perfectly capable using his bare eyes and report back to his spy masters without attracting any notice.

Would the Office of Brand Abu Dhabi put up notices delineating what is ok to capture on film and what is not?  Or, knowing how they do things in Abu Dhabi, they could take it high-tech: (geek warning) they could take the concept of alternate reality layers (as already found in Android smartphones) and install them in gps enabled cameras so that when your viewfinder rolls over forbidden real estate, the camera will automatically not allow you to snap the picture.

Of course this incident happened in February, so it is not news, and things might have actually changed since then as no other such reports have been heard since (to the best of my limited knowledge).  But any would be competitor had better do his / her homework and find out which areas are camera shy.

This is my first “I haven’t posted in a while because…” post, and I’m sure there’s more to follow. Well, I haven’t posted in a while because I was a bit under the weather and generally busy.  So in true Lifehacker style here’s a roundup of what happened this past week or so.

Last Saturday my wife took her RTA driving test.  The real thing, not the assessments / mock that driving schools put you through and on the basis of which subject you to further lessons.  Long story short she didn’t pass.  Not being there in the car with her I will stop short from saying that the examiner was at fault.  It is however very commonly heard that very able drivers are still failed and only manage to get their license after two or three attempts.

On the day I dropped her off at the driving school and, anticipating a very long wait (it turned out to be over 3 hours), I headed over to Times Square where I planted myself in Caribou Coffee and pretended to look busy on the laptop.  I enjoy doing this from time to time (wife permitting) – sitting unnoticed in a corner, just watchig people pass by, trying to guess what people do and if they are regulars. 

One such instance:  A couple of ladies strolled in, one behind an empty pushchair, the other (very visibly pregnant) holding an infant.  They were greeted warmly by the staff behind the counter, as always happens, and the manager (or so I assumed due to his lack of uniform and previous shuffling of papers) did the baby-talk thing and held out his arms.  The mother without any hesitation whatsoever obliged and handed over the package, to the delight of said manager.  He went on to croon and entertain the kid, going over to show him off to the other staff. They spent a good five minutes enjoying the baby’s laughter, after which it was duly returned to the mom. 

Now this is what surprised me – in this day and age of H’s and N’s, airport infrared checks, pandemic alerts, campaigns advocating less contact with strangers and fear of the almighty germ, this lady trusted her most precious possession in the hands of a stranger.  Granted, she could have been a regular and known the manager for a long time.  Also granted, working in a food preparation environment one expects a certain level of hygiene.  But still.  I doubt that I could have done the same thing.  It shocked me in a truly positive way, and left me feeling upbeat. Until I learned of my wife’s exam outcome of course.

On Thursday I had my first serious near-crash experience, through no fault of my own.  I was at the exit from Emirates road going to Qusais waiting for lights to change, when I see a Prado coming up fast behind me.  It skidded, missed me by an inch and ended up beside my car.  Don’t know if the skid took the Prado to the side or the driver’s skill.  These are the things that one risks on the roads of Dubai I guess.

Friday saw us meet up with a bunch of cool people I speak to on Twitter at Wild Peeta, for a #wildtweetup.  The company was great, met like-minded folk, and the food was brilliantly fresh – both in concept and in preparation.  It was the first time I saw an Emirati (actually two – they’re brothers) running the show AND working behind the counter.  Had a killer breakfast peeta (at 1pm) and a fusion cold green tea / juice comonly known as the Magic Juice.  Now if they can just confirm delivery to my office.

Today my wife’s driving school, Al Ahli in Al Quoz, signed her up for the RTA traffic sign test.  This is a multiple choice answer theoretical test, taken on a PC touchscreen and is over in one minute.  The actual time allocated is one minute per question, ten questions total, but it’s very straightforward and (should) often takes much less time.  A sample of the test is hosted on Emirates Driving Institute website.

My wife was given a study guide by her driving instructor, in preparation for the test.  It is hilarious. Here follow samples of the text within the guide:

Section title: Compulsory Qustions (failed from first mistake)

Q1. Near Schools, hospitals and residential areas driver SHOULD NOT USE?

A. UNNECESSARILY HORN so they don’t disturb the public

Q3. When you face the school bus using STOP SIGN, what should you do?

A. Come to a COMPLETE STOP and let the children cross road

Q4. On the CONJESTED JUNCTIONS the moment signal turns GREEN, What should you do?

A. DO NOT ENTER THE YELLOW area unless your path is CLEAR

Q5. When you see a car running with HAZARD LIGHT IN, what should you do?

A. Access the RIGHT most lane.

Q8. When the STOP sign is seen, what should be the driver do?

A. Make a complete STOP, make sure the road is COMPLETELY CLEAR and then enter the road.

Section title: Non-Compulsory Qustions (Failed from the third mistake)

Q4. If a driver is driving at speed 80km/hr. what should be the HEAD DISTANCE?

A. The head distance SHOULD NOT BE LESS THAN 25 METERS.

Q7. When the driver’s BRAKES FAIL what should he do?

A. Warn other vehicles using HAZARDS LIGHT and putting warning TRIANGULAR SIGN at the back of the car.

(MH: WTF?? My answer would have been: wish he had bought a manual instead of an automatic so he could engine brake.  And how do they propose to put the warning sign at the back of the car while it’s in motion?)

Note: all formatting and spelling copied as is from the leaflet.  I will scan it tomorrow and upload it, but I couldn’t wait.  Handing the copy to a natural English language native / speaker would have produced a more professional result, even without going to the expense of hiring a translator.  I’m sure there are many more instances of this, waiting to be discovered.

Having said all of the above I must praise Al Ahli for the speed with which the process is moving.  My experience was much more frustrating (vide previous posts).